21st April - 24th April

On Friday the 21st, at 6.30 mum and dad came to collect us to get us to the vets for 8.40 check in. I knew we would be early however if we set off later then we would be too late and miss our slot with the vet. We got there round 8 so sat outside for a while and both of them went to sleep!! We headed in round 8.35, leaving Jade in the car and taking Harry in alone. As always with any surgery, Brendan talked me through what was going to be done, what the risks were and I reminded them to clean his teeth whilst he was under sedation. He said that they should be done round 2pm or so. At 2.30 having not heard anything I phoned to see how they were getting on. The nurse told me that Brendan was still 'working on the mass' but that his chest x-ray and blood work came back clear and that they were happy that it was just this one tumour.

At around half 4 Brendan called to say that he had finished and the nurses were cleaning Harry up in recovery but that the operation had been much bigger than expected. He suggested that we head over around 7.30 to collect him after they had finished for the day. I asked one of the vets if it had been a big job and she said it had and it was a bit of a mess, I ended up a bit upset and crying so they got me some tissues and offered me a cup of tea (funny how when someone is crying that's what we do!!!). Around 7.40, Brendan carried Harry though to the room.  He was still totally out of it and wearing a large pressure bandage around his back end over the dressings. With him being as he was, I said to Brendan that I would prefer him to stay in overnight and he totally agreed with me on this and said that he had been going to suggest it. We arranged to come over on the Saturday to see him and hopefully collect him but this was very much fluid depending on how he was. 

On Saturday the 22nd we went to collect a greyhound to re-home on behalf of the charity that we help out with, and took him to his new mum. As we were driving too and fro I phoned to see how he had been and spoke with Brendan who said that he had had a quiet night, had gone out for a wee in the morning and had ended up fainting due to the lactate build up in his muscles (either that or he looked at his bum!!). As he came round, one of the practice cats, Eric was headbutting his head gently!! He must have thought that he was seeing things! Brendan advised us to head over for round 2.30 so we could have some time with him as they were going to keep him again overnight. We finished with the re-home around 12 and headed over to the airport cafe so we were near the vets and could have some lunch before we went to see him at 2.30. I could feel I was getting anxious as I was nervous as to how he would be. I was trying to hold it in and not show Lel but I didn't manage too well and ended up mopping up my tears a little before we went in. I heard them walking him steadily down to the room where they had put the pad down for him to lay on. As we walked in, he was standing on the pad and was shaking. He was having what Brendan called a big case of 'the jitters' and turning his front feet in as though he didn't know what to do with himself. He had a drip line in and I think couldn't work out how to lay down. Brendan took hold of him very gently and lay him on his side. He was still rather tired and a bit out of it. Charlotte, one of the nurses brought a bowl of water in for him and Brendan asked what his favourite food is. Harry drank the water, I topped it up so he had about one and a half bowls of water whilst we were with him. Brendan was laughing at him and saying that the nurses have offered him water every half our and he has refused it so it's as though he's been showing them up! They brought some cubes in for him to try which he turned his nose up at, (not surprised, he's fussy at the best of time!) Charlotte asked if there was anything else he might eat, we said he might go for a venison tin, which again, he turned his nose up at for us. He clearly was still not feeling well. We sat with him til round 3.45 or so in the consulting room where the window was open. They said we could stay as long as we wanted and at the point of us saying we were leaving, they said they would leave him there asleep in the sun as he was happy and chilled out and they didn't need the room. Bless him. Brendan suggested that we try and get some pants for Harry to keep his dressings in place so we headed to Tesco as we got back to Skipton and bought a variety of pants including women's sanitary pants which are good and stretchy around the waist and hopefully will hold the dressings in place!

On Sunday 23rd, as I woke up, there was a message on my phone from Charlotte from the previous night saying that he had eaten half a tin on food before he went to bed. This simple thing made Lel and I feel so much more happier. Around 8.30 she sent a video of him walking around the garden doing a wee with no problems. This made us both feel so much better about collecting him at 11am. On getting over there we waited a couple of minutes whilst they brought him through to the nurses room. As we went through he was standing on a mat with a blanket covering it, his compression bandage was off and he wagged as we got in. We went through all his medication, they put some of the sanitary pants on him and cut a tail hole for him. We sat with him for a while before Brendan came through to talk us through everything. After going through all of this, we took him out to the car where Brendan picked him up and put him in the back for us. I sat in with him whilst Lel went back in and paid then we headed home. On the way back I realised that I hadn't booked his follow up to have his drains out. By this stage, the vets was closed so I set an alarm to remind me to phone the following day!

On getting him home we took his pants off and let him out for a wee. He did a big wee, we put his pants back on and he lay down and rest for the rest of the day. We took him for a short walk round the block at bed time, he did a wee and a poo so we figured he would have a quiet night. After a couple of noises that indicated he may be in a little pain, I gave him a painkiller as we had been told we could.

He had a quiet night as did Jade, although she had the runs so this morning we were cleaning poop up. He has a slightly swollen leg but other than that all seems good today and we have another appointment for Thursday at 11am.

I've just phoned the Drs and apparently my bloods are fine so I'm heading down now to collect them, hopefully fine means that my WBC and neutrophils are where they should be. I'll update when I get back...

So, my WBC was at 4.2 and neutrophils at 3.2 so well within guidelines and hopefully good for treatment on Wednesday.

14th April - 20th April

The 14th of April, being Good Friday was the start of the Easter break together. Since working here I have never had the 4 days off over Easter as I always would go for the cash and additional holiday day as opposed to having the time and being with Lel. Apart from the fact that they won't pay me for working a bank holiday as duty as I'm not fully up to speed for a full shift, I am now more looking to having the time with Lel as this is what really matters, not money nor extra holidays as she only has 15 days left this year with having taken my chemo dates off. We didn't do anything, just chilled out and had a lovely take out curry that night.

On the 15th, we went to see Brendan again about the lump on Harry's bum that first appeared at the end of February when we were in London and Bristol. This was the 3rd time he had been about it. We had already agreed to meet mum and dad there and go for a brew afterwards at the airport or something along those lines. As Brendan felt the lump and moved it around, we both noticed his face fall. He spent a fair while feeling it before sitting on the table opposite us and telling us that it is a Mastocytoma that reacts to histamine hence why it flares up and goes down as fast as it does and that he wanted to take it out as soon as possible given how big it was getting. He explained that the risks with these such tumours are that parts break off and invade other organs of the body therefore he wanted to get it out as soon as possible in the hope that it was still localised. He explained that chemotherapy may be needed however the chemo that targets this is very directive and literally does not affect any other organs or cause any other side effects or symptoms. I asked Brendan if he would use this on his own dog and he said he would so I felt reassured by this. In the meantime, we were given histamine spray, piriton and corpet to help his immune system and hope that we wouldn't have a flare up again before surgery. 

Before leaving, we booked to be back for it removing on the 24th of April. As Brendan was telling us all this, I could see Lel struggling again. We got them both outside, put them in the car and I held Lel as she sobbed. I felt so sorry for her as she has had so much stuff to deal with since last August and she doesn't need someone else that she loves to be dealing with cancer. She told me to go and tell mum and dad so I walked over and told them, as I did I started to cry as I really didn't want him to have to go through surgery and everything, poor pup. He really is my baby and the thought of him going through that really got to me as I explained what Brendan had said to mum. I told her we still needed to go for a walk and could they lead us up to the Tarn so we could walk and talk things through. As we got out of the car at the Tarn dad gave me a massive hug and I just said 'why?' I know there is no why but my poor little pup, my poor Bobo. So, we walked round the Tarn and talked and after this headed up to the airport cafe for a brew as we had set off very early and not eaten breakfast or had anything. After a chat, toast and a brew we headed off back home. We had intended to clean that afternoon but strangely enough, our hearts weren't in it so just did a bit of shopping then relaxed with the dogs. On the Saturday we cleaned, I can't remember what we did on the Sunday but the Monday we headed out to try and distract ourselves a little.

Back at work on the Tuesday after having a blood test at 8.20 and hoping that on this occasion the results don't get lost. I was covering duty for the shift so it was nice going in and knowing what the plan would be, the same on the Wednesday too therefore I had booked to go to oxygen that evening at 7pm as there was no way I would make it during the day. Lel was looking forwards to taking me there so that she could see what goes on and where I go. On Wednesday night after work I was shattered and having got home we ate dinner, watched TV for a bit then went to bed.

The following morning, Thursday, as I got up I looked at my calendar on my phone and realised that I had missed the oxygen session and felt awful. It set me up the wrong way for the day and I was really annoyed with forgetting about it. Work was ok, it felt to take forever though but I had sorted out being off on the Friday to get Harry to the vets which I was very glad about. That evening David, our mortgage advisor came round to discuss our options on mortgage renewal, really shows that life goes on regardless of everything else that is happening!!

25th March - 13th April

On the 27th of March I was back in work for the day but still feeling a little delicate. I spent the day doing my APR to justify why, even though I have been off, I am still worth my pay grade and recognition of the work that I have done both before going off and since returning. I was mainly left alone apart from people checking that I was ok which was nice and allowed me to get the work done.

On the 28th I was back at the doctors for another sick note, meeting my new GP who felt a bit waffy, especially when I asked for a vitamin D test on my bloods and she said 'is that the one you get from sunshine?' This left me feeling less than reassured. She agreed to another return to work note for a month of 5hours a day for 4 days a week as I had only managed 2 weeks in out of the last month due to being ill and having chemo leave. She also agreed for me to have another blood test before my next chemo so I knew where my bloods were up to and would know that I was healthy enough for it. I had oxygen straight after this so headed straight over.

On Friday the 31st we both had our first dental appointment in over 2 years which fortunately went well, apart from a trip to the hygienist being required, all else was fine. We headed home for the weekend, this being the first time we had been back since Christmas as I had been nervous of travelling since having started Chemo. On the way back we went out for lunch, delayed from dad's birthday 2 weeks previously. We had a nice weekend at home with a lovely lunch at the Spread Eagle at Sawley before heading back over to Salford. Lel, having got her motorway 'legs' found the drive easy and it made it so so much more straightforwards getting home and back.

We had a quiet week, work and home as usual with nothing much doing in between.  On the 3rd, I ended up covering duty pretty much single handedly for the whole of my shift which was ok but a little stressful by the time the late team came in. It was meant to be 2 TMs on with me however they both disappeared off the shop floor leaving me to cover advice, CC advice and reviewing. Whilst by the end of shift I was shattered, it was actually really good for me as it showed me that I still have the capacity to do my job properly and to the same standard that I did before this all started.

The following week, commencing the 10th, I had a couple of appointments. On the 11th I had a Skype appointment with Liz although my Skype knowledge bring limited, I phoned instead and had a half hour chat with her. Again, she said how well I was doing and how she feels I am coping with work and my health in a way that is conducive to my health and well-being.

On the 12th both Lel and I headed over to Christies to see Dr T for our chat. As we got there they were going to send me for bloods however I told them that I was just there to see her for an update, not for Chemo so asked that they would check with her that I didn't need them that day. They confirmed this and we sat and waited for her to be ready for me. Around 20 minutes late we were called though. Soon after she came into the consult room and we asked what 'some response to treatment' meant. She told us that whilst there had been a small amount of shrinkage, they hadn't measured this but what they were happier with was that the signal characteristics of the tumour had improved. Again, I wasn't totally sure what she meant but she seemed pleased by it and I figured it meant possibly that the remaining tumour is appearing less aggressive with the contrast dye. 

On the 13th I had my APR with my boss who agreed that I am doing well and whilst, didn't award me a 4 - the top mark of 2% pay rise, did award me a 3 giving me a 1.5% pay award and also said that she thinks I am one of the strongest and most positive people she has ever me met (including her sister who had cancer and died some years ago) so that was an amazing compliment. She also acknowledged how hard I worked before I went off and since returning and how my dedication to being back is something to behold. She mentioned that HR are still pushing for me to be back, however she is totally supportive in me taking my time to get better and get back in fully.

18th March - 24th March

On the 18th, after having such low white blood counts we decided that I should take the following week off work and use up my remaining 2 annual leave days and take 3 days as sick leave. Having decided this, I felt a lot more reassured and went about booking appointments at the doctors to have my bloods re-taken.  We also emailed Dr T's assistant to ask for more information  regarding the results that I was given as the phrase 'there has been some response to treatment' didn't mean a huge amount to either of us and we both wanted to hear it from her that there had been some positive results. We had hoped that she would send us a quick email with an update on but received a response saying she was on holiday until the following week when they would get back to us.

The 19th of March, being dad's birthday I had hoped to meet them for lunch however was still feeling rather rough so after speaking with him, made the decision to not go and us do lunch on another occasion. He was concerned that I may end up ill with my bloods still being so low and being around people.

I managed to get in with the nurse on the 20th of March at 8am so walked down there with Lel as she went to work. I was quickly in and out, I am getting so used to having my bloods taken now and fortunately my veins are quite happy for this still! They told me the results would be in the following day.

On the 21st we received and email from Dr T's secretary offering us an appointment to see her to discuss the results on the 12th of April which felt to be an absolute age away but still would be a chance to talk it through. Having given blood on the Monday and been told they would be in on the Tuesday I decided to wait until Wednesday the 22nd to go and get them and decided to walk down to collect them mid afternoon. Its only 15 minutes walk and it was quite nice to get out of the house for a bit, even though I still felt rather weak and waffy from the previous week.

On getting to the doctors I was told that they had lost my results at the lab however they would take another blood sample whilst I was there and send that one off too to make sure that we had at least one up to date test. Mid afternoon I headed over to see Sue D. for my appointment, I felt fine and we talked through how I and getting on both physically and emotionally. She told me how well I am doing which is always nice to hear and makes me feel like I am dealing with the current situation well.

In the evening we had booked to go and see Sophie Sabbage at Maggie's which I was really excited about however I was very nervous also about how I may be around people. However, having spoken with Iona as well as Lel, I came to the decision that I would enjoy going out as I had been looking forwards to it, as Iona said, I could sit at the back and leave if I started to feel ill at all.

I phoned the doctors the following day and was told that my results were back in so headed down there again. At my request they had printed them off and were behind the counter for me. Strangely, the print off had both the results from the 20th and the 22nd on there!! So, on the 17th when I went to Salford Royal for the quick blood check my WBC had been 1.8 - should be between 4.0 & 11.0, my neutrophils had been 1.0 - should be between 1.8 & 7.5. On the 20th my WBC was 1.2 so it had dropped, and my neutrophils were down to 0.7! On the 22nd my WBC was up to 2.3 and my neutrophils were up to 1.1 so still both low but improving. I'm so glad that we had made the decision for me to take the rest of the week off work as clearly my immune system was very low and being around people at this time would not have been a good idea. We continued to take it steady, and had a quiet weekend.

15th March - 17th March

On the 15th of March - this was my second chemotherapy session. We were due to see Dr T. at 9am so arrived for bloods at 8am as per the advice on the letter we received. We landed there and I had my bloods done by round 8:10 so waited for my appointment. At 9:15 we were called through to the room by a nurse where I was weighed again. Soon after a doctor came through - not Dr T. and asked how I had been since my last cycle.  I explained that I had had no side effects other than a little peripheral neuropathy which he seemed confused by where it was. 

He was not aware that I had had a scan so I asked for the results, he came back through saying 'the tumour has responded to the treatment'. I wasn't sure what he meant so asked 'is that good? Does that mean it's shrunk a bit?' He said yes. We were both really pleased by this, first bit of really good news that we have had. I asked the doctor whether I would be heading through to treatment straight after that but we were still waiting for my bloods to come back. 

We waited back in the waiting room for someone to call and let us know whether I was ok for it. We text lots of people to tell them that we had had some good news and the tumour had responded to the treatment - whilst we had no exact measurements, anything is better than nothing. Lel emailed Dr T.'s secretary whilst we waited to see if we could get some more definite details about how it had changed, turns out Dr T. was on holiday for the week, hence us seeing someone else. I was quite sad as I liked him and would have been happy to see him again. Around 25 minutes later, one of the nurses came and called us over, putting my records into a bag for us to take through to Oak Road centre. My bloods were apparently fine.

We headed down to Oak Road to the reception and handed my notes over. They suggested that we go to Maggie's for a while as 'an analyser was broken' so it might be a while. This made no sense to me as apparently my bloods had already been checked before we went over there but I didn't mind going to Maggie's. After 20 minutes or so, I received a phone call from one of the nurses who called us over there for my chemo.

We headed back to Oak Road and upstairs where I was seated and asked for a heat pad for my hand in order to raise a vein. Having had this on for around 10 minutes, the canular when in much easier than last time and much less painfully.  I warned the nurse that I had slow veins and she said she was actually having to slow it all down!! The treatment only took half an hour for the whole session this time, unlike the hour it took on the first occasion. Before leaving, I was given my other lombustine and procarbazine to take at home, as well as my antiemetics. 

On going home we headed to do some shopping and did some basics then headed home for the evening.  I took my lombustine and procarbazine before dinner, ate and had no nausea feeling or anything of the sort. At 8.45 or so I headed up to bed as it had been an early start for both of us. I got to sleep no problems at all. 

At 1am on the 16th I woke up feeling really hot and sweaty and very very sick. I headed to the bathroom and threw up once before going downstairs to get some anti-sickness tablets.  I got back up to the bathroom and as I did so I saw Lel had the bedroom light on. She came in to see how I was, and as I sat on the loo saying I was going to throw up, she started to say 'you're not going to throw up' at which point, I violently vomited into the sick bucket at the side of the toilet. There was blood in my vomit and I was scared by this so I asked Lel to go and get the Christies card from downstairs as I thought I needed to call them. I spoke with a lovely lady on the phone who told me, given the blood in the vomit that I needed to go to A&E and that she would call them in advance to warn them that I was coming. 

As Lel drove us down, I was sick another twice in the car and as we got to A&E I got Lel to walk me in, leaving the car outside. I booked in and the took me straight through to triage where I explained what had happened and that I thought that this was my own fault and I pretty much knew what had caused it however I was scared because there was blood in the vomit.  I suggested to Lel that she park and come through to the where they were going to take me in A&E. The triage nurse took me through to the HD area of A&E, getting me a red tag on my way through.

At around 2.15 someone came through to take my bloods but we were then left alone for around another 2 hours. At 4 or so a nurse came in and put a bag of plasma-lite on a slow drip through my arm after putting an antiemetic in through the canular. Until this point I had been sick every half hour or so as well as going to the loo a couple of times every hour. Around 5am, a doctor came through and said my neutrophils were low, down to 1.1, and they should be between 3.4 to 8. He suggested a chest x-ray and requested a urine sample saying that they would be likely to keep me in for a day or so and do another blood test the following day to see if the count had increased. Just before he came in, a nurse came in and put a high dose of antibiotics through the canular to try and prevent any infections. Once the antiemetic kicked in, I started to fell better. It felt like a switch had been flicked and I no longer felt sick at all, it was incredible. Until that point I had been retching or throwing up to the extent that I just wanted it to end.

The drip bag was going through really slowly, at around 6 or 7 another doctor came in, listened to my chest, discussed my sickness then told me that they were going to take me through to the ward soon, onto the haematology ward where there was the only side room available left - due to my chemo and low white cell count I needed to be in a single room so in a bit they would move me through.

Round 8am another doctor came through, the consultant from the haematology unit who said they would speed the plasma up, then put another bag through. He was happy for me to go home when the bag was through then come back the following day for another blood test. He seemed very practical and said if I felt ill, I should come back to hospital but to head home one the bag was finished with some extra antiemetics.

We left hospital around 10.15, getting home to the dogs that Emma had so kindly fed and let out for us in the morning at Lel's request. I went through and took my next dose of procarbazine with some antiemetics, took my temperature and went up to bed. Lel brought me my hot water bottle, cold water and I fell asleep soon after. I wanted her to go to work for the day but had no idea then she left as I was fast asleep, possibly round 11. I woke just before 2 but refused to move apart from the odd bathroom trip.

After being so ill and bringing up food from breakfast, lunch and dinner I knew I didn't want any food similar for some long time! I asked Lel to get me some GF white bread on her way home from work as I knew I would be able to eat toast but wasn't sure about much more, and definitely not lentil pie for some long time (nor would Lel sadly and it had been her favourite!).  Lel got home round 5.30 and seemed very awake still, lord knows how she was so with it but she was incredible as usual! She took the dogs out, fed them then went for chips for herself. She returned, I had toast, she had chips and we watched a bit of TV. At 8 she fell asleep on the sofa, I left her until half past when I woke her to take the dogs out. I took another antiemetic before heading up to bed.

We both slept really well, I left Lel asleep until the alarm went at 6.30. We got up and after an easy morning headed to hospital for my blood tests doing at 10ish. At 1 today I had a call from a doctor telling me that my neutrophils were lower, down to 1 and my white blood count at 1.8 so rather lower than they should be. He suggested I get another blood test next week at my GP so I will give them a call later in the day or early next week. I'm a little worried about being at work next week with them being quite so low however I will have a discussion with Lel tonight about it and see what we decide.

February 24th - March 14th

Having not posted for some time I feel it is time for a catch up..

On the 24th of Feb, Lel and I headed down to London for a weekend there, to see a friend and to go out for dinner for her birthday, before heading over to Bristol to see my homeopathic oncologist. London was good, busy but we had a good wander around and I managed not to be too tired for most of it. We went to the Moomin museum which was incredible, had a wander round Hyde Park in the sunshine, twice as well as visiting Liberty which I have wanted to do for a long long time. (Lel treated me there and bought me a lovely scarf too..) Dinner for my friend's 40th was also good however I found it hard staying awake so late and being sociable!! It was a good fun break away. Whilst not the usual birthday break that we had for Lel, it was still nice to be back doing 'normal life' things.

On the 26th of Feb we headed over to Bristol. Having stayed in a rather posh hotel in London, we decided to stay in the traveloge near the centre of Bristol in order to save a bit of money and be practical for the town and walking out and about. Whilst there, we visited the SS Great Britain as well as wandering round the old part of the city - St Nicholas Market which was lovely and did a bit of shopping. On the 28th we saw my homeopathic oncologist for a follow up check which all went well. 

I took the rest of the week off as I knew I would be tired following the busyness of the weekend away. I was very glad that I did as I really felt it after walking around and getting trains late at night, as well as waiting around in stations for long periods of time (I'm terrible at booking the cheap trains, as well as panicking that we would be late for them so I always book late ones).

On the week of the 6th of March I was back at work, working my first week of 4 days and doing 5 hours a day. I had also been told that I had to be back out onto the shop floor. Whilst I was away, a keyboard and mouse had been ordered for me. The keyboard was exactly what I had asked for, however the mouse didn't work so I spent a while trying to sort all of this out.

Being on the shop floor was useful I could see who needed help or support when on a call and could assist with reviewing work. I did this for the first week every day and caught up with various members of staff, as well as a few more specific supervisions that people asked me to do.

The following week, commencing the 13th of March I was only in work for 2 days. Due to training events happening the following week I would be moved to another desk, to try to keep me safer from infections. Whilst I had been told that I had to be with my team initially, the new desk is at the complete opposite side of the room however I can still see my team from there. It is a little frustrating how the ground rules shift whenever work see fit for this but when I ask for some leeway, then it is difficult to get.

For the first couple of days, as the previous week, I helped with reviewing, advising staff and doing some compulsory on-line training.

February 13th - February 23rd

On the 13th of February I had my first MRI post radiotherapy and was a bit nervous. I know that the tumour is shrinking and will one day be gone however do not know where it is up to at this point. I would love for there to be some significant shrinkage in order to surprise Dr T (who would then say that the radiotherapy had obviously had brilliant results) when I go for my next chemo session on the 15th of March. We arrived early (it is impossible to judge traffic going out to Christies on a morning) and booked in. We were taken through for my canular inserting which was done in the crook of my arm very painlessly and proficiently by a nurse. I asked if Lel could come through with me as I was freaking out a bit due to the pain memory from my chemo session. It was far less painful than the insertion of the canulars into my hands for the chemotherapy. I discussed this with the nurse who said that hands are far more painful but that they prefer chemotherapy to go into your hand as opposed to higher up the arm incase of leakage into the vein. Once this was in, we were seated in the waiting room pending the MRI being available. Lel has always come into the MRI scans with me as, whilst I am not hugely claustrophobic in the machines - I always request the eye mask before I go into it, as well as ear plugs and the headphones, I find holding Lel’s hand allows me to relax and not feel at all stressed. In fact, I find them quite enjoyable. Lel had to complete the consent form before coming in then I requested the mask as usual. One of the nurses recognised us from a previous scan and asked how I was getting on. They must see a lot of people so it was nice to be remembered. They were struggling to find a mask this time, I really must get hold of one of my own for future. This was located and I put it on before laying down, they put the ear plugs in for me, put the ear defenders on then moved me into position. Lel held my hand the whole time as the scan was going. I think I may have been close to falling asleep. I always imagine myself on the deck of the cruise ship on the way into Venice and it gets me through it. Scan done, it was back home before Lel dropped me into work for my shift. Work went smoothly with no dramas and I was back round 3 or so.

The 14th of Feb, valentine’s day mum and dad were coming over to take me to oxygen. As I woke up I realised that I hadn’t got Lel a card. This is the first year that this has happened and I felt awful when I realised this. I apologised, she hadn’t got me one either. Cards don’t matter, we tell each other daily how much we love each other and that’s what counts. Not a card or a present one day of the year, but that lasting and solid commitment through hell and high water to each other. As we have done on recent Tuesdays, we went to the Trafford Centre to Giraffe for lunch then headed on to HBOT. Following this we headed over the the MS therapy centre for my session. This was the second one I have had on ‘Plant’ as opposed to in the chamber and I thought I would attempt to meditate for an hour. This wasn’t the easiest as the oxygen is in a hallway by the entrance to the chambers and focussing on my breathing and ignoring the other noise was hard. When the hour was over, we headed back home having agreed that, being mum’s birthday on the 16th we would go out for dinner when Lel got home. Traffic was shocking, whether there was an accident somewhere or whether being valentine’s day everyone wanted to get home for something, I don’t know but it was shocking. We got Lel and got to Prezzo for dinner however the cute back home for mum and dad was looking like 2+hours so we were taking our time. Round 7.30 we left and headed back up home. Traffic by then was much clearer and mum and dad made it back within an hour.

On the 15th of Feb I headed into work for the shift. I was working away with the odd person coming and speaking to me. At around 3 I realised that it was exactly 6 months to the day since my accident and I became a bit overwhelmed. When someone asked me how I was, I filled up and realised that I really needed to go home. The enormity of the past 6 months and what had gone on struck me and just wanted to cry. Whilst there have been some really positive changes to my lifestyle, 6 months ago I was carefree and happy and could have gone anywhere and done anything and would happily do this. Had this all not happened we would have been about to go away for Lel’s birthday to Italy, as it is now, we have a weekend in London and Bristol which feels a poor substitute. I ended up going to bed a little bit early with a stinking headache, think it was stress induced. I refuse to believe that every headache is something to do with my tumour - especially since I know that it is shrinking.

On the 16th of Feb when I woke I wasn’t doing well, I still had a pounding head so for the first day in the week, didn’t go on the rebounder. I text mum to wish her happy birthday and hid the fact that I was feeling awful. She has had enough to deal with in the past 6 months to be allowed to have a good birthday. I contacted work to tell them that I was struggling and wouldn’t be able to be in for the day. I was flitting between crying and feeling solid that I could do this, but mainly crying. I did intend to write my blog that day but I couldn’t fathom how to begin. My brain was all over the place. All day I was dropping back the time frame of the day so from the point when I text Lel to tell her to call me in case I hadn’t woken up, to my call to 111, to going to A&E, to having the CT scan, phoning mum and dad and then being admitted.  It was not a good day. I know that I am allowed bad days but this was quite a shocker if I’m honest. 

Friday the 17th was my day off from working. I am still on 3 day week, 4 hours a day and again, I intended to write this. Instead having bounced I did 4 wash loads, vacuumed the house and changed the bed. I think I was trying to distract myself a little but I was also feeling so different to Wednesday and Thursday that I was determined that life would be normal again for a day. I also booked an eye test for the following day, as well as dentist appointments.

On Saturday the 18th we were up early and headed over to Trafford Centre for breakfast before doing a little bit of shopping and going for my eye test at 11:30. It was 2009 last time I had them tested and I figured that given the length of time, and recent events, I could do with them checking. I had also noticed that things had become a bit fuzzy when reading street signs / watching the television as I was not able to wear my old glasses due to pain over my scar by my ear. Having explained to three different optometrists the last 7 months, my eye test went ahead. I was very happy that there was no damage to the back of my eye and that my vision has only slightly reduced in 8 years! We were offered to have the glasses made up whilst we waited so headed back out for a bit more of a wander and to kill time. We popped into Holland and Barratt for a few bits, and whilst there I was insulted by a shop assistant who pretty much told me that I had really bad skin and that the only thing that would make it better was a £30 pot of cream, also that my body was massively missing nutrients. I left the store feeling awful. I had been having a really good morning, it’s amazing how one anonymous stranger can make your whole day crash down around you. We went for a brew whilst waiting for the glasses and I was nearly in tears. She was so thoughtless in her quest to sell a small pot of cream, which strangely enough, I refused to buy. I will not be going back to that branch of the store, I am a resilient person but I do not wish to be spoken to in that manner. I do not need that, I am dealing with enough at this time without an opinionated no-one casting their opinion over me.

Sunday the 19th was a trip to Chester to visit Lel’s dad, Pauline and Norah. We had a nice meal but after a couple of hours, by the time everyone was on dessert, I was exhausted and just wanted to go home so we set off home a bit earlier than planned. On getting home, I was wiped out and sat for a while, dozing.

On the morning of the 20th I had my smear booked in so headed to the doctors, walking with Lel. I explained to the nurse my previous history of grade 4 cells on my cervix and how, when the sample was re-tested through St. Mary’s there was nothing wrong with it, also how continued tests and checks proved that everything was ok, I was a little worried that there was no record of this on my file but already knew that whilst I was getting treatment under Mr Clayton at St Marys, I was still getting letters telling me I needed a smear - left hand could do with talking to the right hand maybe!! When I got to work round 10, I saw my boss for the first time in about 2 months. We have just kept not working at the same time. I had a supervision which was interesting - I am on a phased return to work which should include putting reasonable steps in place to get me back into work and keep me there however, HR want this to be completed within a month regardless of the condition! Hmmmm… I am currently working 3 days a week, 4 hours a day and HR have requested authorisation from my boss to only pay me for the hours that I am working. Fortunately at this point, she has refused this and is going to continue to do so so long as I start to increase my hours. I was also told that I am going to have to fight to get a favourable rating on my annual performance review. I was unhappy with this, saying that at my mid year review I had been told that I was in line for a 4, the highest rating therefore to now be told that I would be getting a poor if not a 0 rating was a total shock. I said this to my boss who I think was surprised that I was defending myself and called me a ‘tough little cookie’. I don't think she has seen that side of me before but over the past 7 months I have learnt a deep resilience that I may not have had before. As Macmillan says, no-one who has cancer should also have to fight with their work, it’s hard enough to fight cancer. I was a bit frustrated at this, but the supervision finished at 2, at which point my lift took me home. On getting back, I looked on the Macmillan website as I knew I had read somewhere that it was illegal under the disability discrimination act to provide a lower rating due to time off through cancer treatment! Having read this, I felt much more relaxed and happier, I emailed it to myself at work with the knowledge that when I complete my APR I can include this in my fight for a good rating. I went to work in the week between diagnosis and surgery and have been back since the middle of December therefore only fully absent for 3.5 months and whilst I am not yet back up to full duty strength I am doing jobs that someone else would have to do if I was not. Dinner was rancid, my first major fail in a long time! We had pancakes for pudding, there has to be some bonus for a bad main course!!

Tuesday the 21st I had my appointment with my GP for my next ‘return to work’ note. Mum and dad had headed over early to give me lift there so that I didn’t have to walk, to be honest, it’s not that far but it was very kind of them. On getting to the doctors, the waiting room was full of coughing people. I remembered what Catherine had told me, so asked the receptionist if there was a separate room I could wait in and explained why. She was lovely and found a spare treatment room where I was put to wait. After 15 minutes or so she came in and asked me if I was ok to go through to her room, which I explained that I was, just that I didn’t want to wait with everyone else which she said was very sensible. She asked how I was, I explained any side effects I’d had, i.e. very few and talked through my appointment with Dr T who she knows, she said ‘she doesn’t pull any punches does she?’ and also mentioned how her empathy isn’t huge! I asked for the next set of limited hours which, due to my chemo she recommended I do for the next 6 months however I explained the pressure from work and she reluctantly agreed to do it for 5 weeks only. She told me to come back for my next increase in hours and reminded me that if i get a cold or anything then I have to go back and see her as a matter of urgency. I am so so glad I changed doctors, she is very good and I feel reassured whenever I see her. We then did our usual and went to the Trafford Centre for an early lunch. Half term meant there were more children there that dung beetles in elephant poop! It was manic so we headed for food early, then after that went to get Lel a birthday card and some wrapping paper. Oxygen was fine, I do find that I struggle to relax as much when I’m on plant as in the chamber as the corridor is so busy but it is still doing me good. We had decided that with it being Lel’s birthday on the following day we would go out for dinner again so mum and dad stayed late again, we met Lel then headed to Prezzo for another lovely dinner. We were home by half 7 and chilled as normal.

Wednesday, Lel’s birthday, we were up early so she could open her presents. I want to make the day as nice for her as I can even though we’re not away any where so took her a brew up and let the dogs out to let her stay in bed a little longer. When she opened and read my card she burst into tears, I hadn’t meant to do that to her but this year has meant that kind gestures make us both upset at time. Pressies opened, we had breakfast together then she headed off to work. I was picked up earlier than normal for work, so was going to be doing 4.5hrs which would make work happy. I completed various tasks that I had been set during supervision and the day went very smoothly. A couple of practitioners came in to speak to me ask they wanted a chat about home life, it was nice that they still feel that I’m part of the team and that they want to come and talk to me, it felt very reassuring to me that I am still valued, by them, if not HR! She had asked me for spaghetti bolognese for dinner - I had offered her to go out for dinner but she wanted that so I made it once I returned from work and accidentally burned it as I got engrossed in writing some of this but she said it still tasted amazing! It was a quiet night but I ended up with a headache and went to bed with paracetamol.

On the Thursday morning, it was another early one for work. I was quite relaxed about the day as I have the whole of the following week off. I got everything done and started to try to complete my APR however found the categories confusing so, when after a chat with my boss she said I could go home a fraction early, I was very grateful. Mum and had had headed over again to collect the dogs and take them home for the weekend, to be returned on Wednesday when we are back and that’s where I am now. Clothes laid out on the bed ready for the trip, supplements packed, awaiting Lel to come home whilst messaging Iona on Facebook! I’m proud of my ability to multi-task still!