February 13th - February 23rd

On the 13th of February I had my first MRI post radiotherapy and was a bit nervous. I know that the tumour is shrinking and will one day be gone however do not know where it is up to at this point. I would love for there to be some significant shrinkage in order to surprise Dr T (who would then say that the radiotherapy had obviously had brilliant results) when I go for my next chemo session on the 15th of March. We arrived early (it is impossible to judge traffic going out to Christies on a morning) and booked in. We were taken through for my canular inserting which was done in the crook of my arm very painlessly and proficiently by a nurse. I asked if Lel could come through with me as I was freaking out a bit due to the pain memory from my chemo session. It was far less painful than the insertion of the canulars into my hands for the chemotherapy. I discussed this with the nurse who said that hands are far more painful but that they prefer chemotherapy to go into your hand as opposed to higher up the arm incase of leakage into the vein. Once this was in, we were seated in the waiting room pending the MRI being available. Lel has always come into the MRI scans with me as, whilst I am not hugely claustrophobic in the machines - I always request the eye mask before I go into it, as well as ear plugs and the headphones, I find holding Lel’s hand allows me to relax and not feel at all stressed. In fact, I find them quite enjoyable. Lel had to complete the consent form before coming in then I requested the mask as usual. One of the nurses recognised us from a previous scan and asked how I was getting on. They must see a lot of people so it was nice to be remembered. They were struggling to find a mask this time, I really must get hold of one of my own for future. This was located and I put it on before laying down, they put the ear plugs in for me, put the ear defenders on then moved me into position. Lel held my hand the whole time as the scan was going. I think I may have been close to falling asleep. I always imagine myself on the deck of the cruise ship on the way into Venice and it gets me through it. Scan done, it was back home before Lel dropped me into work for my shift. Work went smoothly with no dramas and I was back round 3 or so.

The 14th of Feb, valentine’s day mum and dad were coming over to take me to oxygen. As I woke up I realised that I hadn’t got Lel a card. This is the first year that this has happened and I felt awful when I realised this. I apologised, she hadn’t got me one either. Cards don’t matter, we tell each other daily how much we love each other and that’s what counts. Not a card or a present one day of the year, but that lasting and solid commitment through hell and high water to each other. As we have done on recent Tuesdays, we went to the Trafford Centre to Giraffe for lunch then headed on to HBOT. Following this we headed over the the MS therapy centre for my session. This was the second one I have had on ‘Plant’ as opposed to in the chamber and I thought I would attempt to meditate for an hour. This wasn’t the easiest as the oxygen is in a hallway by the entrance to the chambers and focussing on my breathing and ignoring the other noise was hard. When the hour was over, we headed back home having agreed that, being mum’s birthday on the 16th we would go out for dinner when Lel got home. Traffic was shocking, whether there was an accident somewhere or whether being valentine’s day everyone wanted to get home for something, I don’t know but it was shocking. We got Lel and got to Prezzo for dinner however the cute back home for mum and dad was looking like 2+hours so we were taking our time. Round 7.30 we left and headed back up home. Traffic by then was much clearer and mum and dad made it back within an hour.

On the 15th of Feb I headed into work for the shift. I was working away with the odd person coming and speaking to me. At around 3 I realised that it was exactly 6 months to the day since my accident and I became a bit overwhelmed. When someone asked me how I was, I filled up and realised that I really needed to go home. The enormity of the past 6 months and what had gone on struck me and just wanted to cry. Whilst there have been some really positive changes to my lifestyle, 6 months ago I was carefree and happy and could have gone anywhere and done anything and would happily do this. Had this all not happened we would have been about to go away for Lel’s birthday to Italy, as it is now, we have a weekend in London and Bristol which feels a poor substitute. I ended up going to bed a little bit early with a stinking headache, think it was stress induced. I refuse to believe that every headache is something to do with my tumour - especially since I know that it is shrinking.

On the 16th of Feb when I woke I wasn’t doing well, I still had a pounding head so for the first day in the week, didn’t go on the rebounder. I text mum to wish her happy birthday and hid the fact that I was feeling awful. She has had enough to deal with in the past 6 months to be allowed to have a good birthday. I contacted work to tell them that I was struggling and wouldn’t be able to be in for the day. I was flitting between crying and feeling solid that I could do this, but mainly crying. I did intend to write my blog that day but I couldn’t fathom how to begin. My brain was all over the place. All day I was dropping back the time frame of the day so from the point when I text Lel to tell her to call me in case I hadn’t woken up, to my call to 111, to going to A&E, to having the CT scan, phoning mum and dad and then being admitted.  It was not a good day. I know that I am allowed bad days but this was quite a shocker if I’m honest. 

Friday the 17th was my day off from working. I am still on 3 day week, 4 hours a day and again, I intended to write this. Instead having bounced I did 4 wash loads, vacuumed the house and changed the bed. I think I was trying to distract myself a little but I was also feeling so different to Wednesday and Thursday that I was determined that life would be normal again for a day. I also booked an eye test for the following day, as well as dentist appointments.

On Saturday the 18th we were up early and headed over to Trafford Centre for breakfast before doing a little bit of shopping and going for my eye test at 11:30. It was 2009 last time I had them tested and I figured that given the length of time, and recent events, I could do with them checking. I had also noticed that things had become a bit fuzzy when reading street signs / watching the television as I was not able to wear my old glasses due to pain over my scar by my ear. Having explained to three different optometrists the last 7 months, my eye test went ahead. I was very happy that there was no damage to the back of my eye and that my vision has only slightly reduced in 8 years! We were offered to have the glasses made up whilst we waited so headed back out for a bit more of a wander and to kill time. We popped into Holland and Barratt for a few bits, and whilst there I was insulted by a shop assistant who pretty much told me that I had really bad skin and that the only thing that would make it better was a £30 pot of cream, also that my body was massively missing nutrients. I left the store feeling awful. I had been having a really good morning, it’s amazing how one anonymous stranger can make your whole day crash down around you. We went for a brew whilst waiting for the glasses and I was nearly in tears. She was so thoughtless in her quest to sell a small pot of cream, which strangely enough, I refused to buy. I will not be going back to that branch of the store, I am a resilient person but I do not wish to be spoken to in that manner. I do not need that, I am dealing with enough at this time without an opinionated no-one casting their opinion over me.

Sunday the 19th was a trip to Chester to visit Lel’s dad, Pauline and Norah. We had a nice meal but after a couple of hours, by the time everyone was on dessert, I was exhausted and just wanted to go home so we set off home a bit earlier than planned. On getting home, I was wiped out and sat for a while, dozing.

On the morning of the 20th I had my smear booked in so headed to the doctors, walking with Lel. I explained to the nurse my previous history of grade 4 cells on my cervix and how, when the sample was re-tested through St. Mary’s there was nothing wrong with it, also how continued tests and checks proved that everything was ok, I was a little worried that there was no record of this on my file but already knew that whilst I was getting treatment under Mr Clayton at St Marys, I was still getting letters telling me I needed a smear - left hand could do with talking to the right hand maybe!! When I got to work round 10, I saw my boss for the first time in about 2 months. We have just kept not working at the same time. I had a supervision which was interesting - I am on a phased return to work which should include putting reasonable steps in place to get me back into work and keep me there however, HR want this to be completed within a month regardless of the condition! Hmmmm… I am currently working 3 days a week, 4 hours a day and HR have requested authorisation from my boss to only pay me for the hours that I am working. Fortunately at this point, she has refused this and is going to continue to do so so long as I start to increase my hours. I was also told that I am going to have to fight to get a favourable rating on my annual performance review. I was unhappy with this, saying that at my mid year review I had been told that I was in line for a 4, the highest rating therefore to now be told that I would be getting a poor if not a 0 rating was a total shock. I said this to my boss who I think was surprised that I was defending myself and called me a ‘tough little cookie’. I don't think she has seen that side of me before but over the past 7 months I have learnt a deep resilience that I may not have had before. As Macmillan says, no-one who has cancer should also have to fight with their work, it’s hard enough to fight cancer. I was a bit frustrated at this, but the supervision finished at 2, at which point my lift took me home. On getting back, I looked on the Macmillan website as I knew I had read somewhere that it was illegal under the disability discrimination act to provide a lower rating due to time off through cancer treatment! Having read this, I felt much more relaxed and happier, I emailed it to myself at work with the knowledge that when I complete my APR I can include this in my fight for a good rating. I went to work in the week between diagnosis and surgery and have been back since the middle of December therefore only fully absent for 3.5 months and whilst I am not yet back up to full duty strength I am doing jobs that someone else would have to do if I was not. Dinner was rancid, my first major fail in a long time! We had pancakes for pudding, there has to be some bonus for a bad main course!!

Tuesday the 21st I had my appointment with my GP for my next ‘return to work’ note. Mum and dad had headed over early to give me lift there so that I didn’t have to walk, to be honest, it’s not that far but it was very kind of them. On getting to the doctors, the waiting room was full of coughing people. I remembered what Catherine had told me, so asked the receptionist if there was a separate room I could wait in and explained why. She was lovely and found a spare treatment room where I was put to wait. After 15 minutes or so she came in and asked me if I was ok to go through to her room, which I explained that I was, just that I didn’t want to wait with everyone else which she said was very sensible. She asked how I was, I explained any side effects I’d had, i.e. very few and talked through my appointment with Dr T who she knows, she said ‘she doesn’t pull any punches does she?’ and also mentioned how her empathy isn’t huge! I asked for the next set of limited hours which, due to my chemo she recommended I do for the next 6 months however I explained the pressure from work and she reluctantly agreed to do it for 5 weeks only. She told me to come back for my next increase in hours and reminded me that if i get a cold or anything then I have to go back and see her as a matter of urgency. I am so so glad I changed doctors, she is very good and I feel reassured whenever I see her. We then did our usual and went to the Trafford Centre for an early lunch. Half term meant there were more children there that dung beetles in elephant poop! It was manic so we headed for food early, then after that went to get Lel a birthday card and some wrapping paper. Oxygen was fine, I do find that I struggle to relax as much when I’m on plant as in the chamber as the corridor is so busy but it is still doing me good. We had decided that with it being Lel’s birthday on the following day we would go out for dinner again so mum and dad stayed late again, we met Lel then headed to Prezzo for another lovely dinner. We were home by half 7 and chilled as normal.

Wednesday, Lel’s birthday, we were up early so she could open her presents. I want to make the day as nice for her as I can even though we’re not away any where so took her a brew up and let the dogs out to let her stay in bed a little longer. When she opened and read my card she burst into tears, I hadn’t meant to do that to her but this year has meant that kind gestures make us both upset at time. Pressies opened, we had breakfast together then she headed off to work. I was picked up earlier than normal for work, so was going to be doing 4.5hrs which would make work happy. I completed various tasks that I had been set during supervision and the day went very smoothly. A couple of practitioners came in to speak to me ask they wanted a chat about home life, it was nice that they still feel that I’m part of the team and that they want to come and talk to me, it felt very reassuring to me that I am still valued, by them, if not HR! She had asked me for spaghetti bolognese for dinner - I had offered her to go out for dinner but she wanted that so I made it once I returned from work and accidentally burned it as I got engrossed in writing some of this but she said it still tasted amazing! It was a quiet night but I ended up with a headache and went to bed with paracetamol.

On the Thursday morning, it was another early one for work. I was quite relaxed about the day as I have the whole of the following week off. I got everything done and started to try to complete my APR however found the categories confusing so, when after a chat with my boss she said I could go home a fraction early, I was very grateful. Mum and had had headed over again to collect the dogs and take them home for the weekend, to be returned on Wednesday when we are back and that’s where I am now. Clothes laid out on the bed ready for the trip, supplements packed, awaiting Lel to come home whilst messaging Iona on Facebook! I’m proud of my ability to multi-task still!