December 19th - December 23rd

On Monday (19th) I had an appointment with the Dr to get a return to work note to specify the hours and days I wanted to be working. I had been concerned by Denise saying that I had to be back at full shift capability within a month and on TC’s advice asked the doctor to specify 3 days a week, 4 hours a day. She did this with no issues. My face by this stage was in full allergic reaction state. Puffy eyes, dry skin and hives all over my face. I then headed over the oxygen where my face got worse - especially with the mask not allowing my eye bags to drain away. That evening I had a chat with Lel and we tried to work out what was causing my face such a flair up, we figured it may have been a bad batch of Astragalus - one of the many supplements that I take as the colour was different to usual and it was the only thing that had altered. I cut it out and hoped for a fast result on the improve…

On Tuesday I was due back at work. Kath collected me from Oxygen and took me in. It felt like the first day at a new job and really odd. I had decided that I would work downstairs and headed through. I couldn’t remember any of my passwords and had to get one of my colleagues to phone to get it all re-set, slightly annoying but fully understandable I thought! I had 978 emails from the 3.5 months. 700 or so were deleted almost immediately, the rest I looked through and either filed or tried to read a bit. I struggled to focus other than just pressing delete and by 3.30 I was shattered so Kath ran me home. 

On Wednesday, Lel and I were heading over to see Dr T to discuss how we were going to move forwards with my treatment. I knew that this was going to be a difficult discussion as I had decided that I wasn’t going to have Chemo. I had tried to tell Lel this but, in hindsight I don’t think she fully heard this. I knew that I was doing the right thing and that my way is the best way to get rid of the remaining tumour but also knew that the medical arena wouldn’t agree. On arrival at the department I was asked to have my bloods taken then wait for my appointment. That done, we sat and waited. And waited.  As usual, Dr T was running late so at around 9.30 we were called through by a nurse to a side room. She took my weight - 60kgs, and height, between 5’7” and 5’8” which the  nurses argued over for the best part of 5 minutes and I found highly amusing!! We then waited again. Around 10 minutes later, Dr T’s registrar came through with consent forms for chemotherapy. She asked how I had been, I said I had supported myself through radiotherapy with some supplements, but knowing that medics do not support the use of the supplements that I use, I did not tell them all of them. She seemed surprised that I had had no adverse effects from it other than the hair loss and I asked her how long before I was to expect my hair to grow back. She then said that she was there to discuss chemo which would cause my hair to thin, that we had discussed that chemo may make me infertile (we hardly mentioned it previously - definitely not discussed it) and that they wanted me to start the tablets that day however they did not have a seat available for the drip so I would have to come back for that another time (even though according to all literature the drip and a tablet are what start the chemo off). I told her that I was wanting to avoid chemo until after my first MRI scan as I am convinced that I am shrinking the tumour. She told me that she would have to get Dr T through for further discussion and we sat and waited again. After another 10 minutes or so, Dr T came back with the registrar. 

Dr T asked how I had been and then asked why I was refusing chemo. I explained, as I already had done that I was supporting my body nutritionally with organic food, with oxygen therapy, homeopathy, supplements and an infrared sauna and that I was hoping to shrink it myself. She told me that the radiotherapy and PCV were to stop the tumour coming back in the future. I said I would like to wait until after my first MRI in 2 weeks, (we had been told it would be 6-8 weeks after I finished radiotherapy) before I agreed to anything, she then told me that it would be a further 6-8 weeks from this point before my next MRI and asked me what would change my mind that I needed it. I told her that if there had been any growth as any shrinkage would show that I am doing the right thing, bearing in mind I was always told that the radiotherapy was to stop it coming back and extending my life as opposed to shrinking it. She then said that if it has shrunk it would be because of the radiotherapy - which I challenged her on as she had always said that the radiotherapy would not shrink it. She then said that they say that incase it doesn’t so as not to get people’s hope up. The ultimate goal she said was to give me a 50% chance of living more than the expected 7 years, giving me a 50% chance of making 14 years.  I told her that I would like some evidence on papers that I could read at home, she asked me what my background was - I told her the police and child protection and she told me that I most likely wouldn't be able to understand the research. I bristled and told her that I had people who would be able to help me with it but that I could not say yes to the chemo. I told her that I was cleaning out my immune system so it could cure itself, she told me that cancer hides from the immune system so no matter how well you look after yourself you have to have chemo. Regardless of what I said, she told me she could only advise me that I should have it, and soon as the research shows it to be most active in the 2-4 weeks after radiotherapy had ended. I told her that I still couldn’t say yes, but that I would like the research papers.

As we left the hospital to head over to Maggies (we had decided previously that we would pop in and see the place), I asked Lel how she was and she broke down saying that she was petrified.  I could fully understand that however, to me, knowing that everything that I am taking and how I am making my body heal itself, chemo was just not an option in my mind, especially having been made to feel like a child who had been put on the naughty step having refused to to what she had been told. I thought that I had explained this to Lel however it would seem that I didn't manage to do so successfully. I felt awful that this was the first time that she had heard this decision of mine, when sat in the room in front of Dr T. Maggies was lovely, a really calm relaxing space. They made us a brew, asked if we wanted to speak with someone or wanted a look around. We just sat and talked and Lel cried a bit more. I felt awful that I had done this to her. I obviously hadn’t managed to tell her, even thought I thought I had already explained where I was coming from. After an hour or so we left, with the intention for Lel to come back after Christmas in order to speak to someone. We were both going to work for the afternoon so as we got back to Salford, Lel dropped me in work for 11.30, took the car home then ran into work.

I didn’t do anything that day, I was feeling rather shell-shocked from the whole experience so sat and talked things through with TC for a couple of hours. At 3, Joe was leaving so ran me home. I messaged Lel when I got in to ask how she was and how the day had been. We had discussed earlier her getting a taxi home so she could be back early. That evening we didn’t really talk much about the appointment, I think we were more upset about the figures that Dr T had said but I was again, reassuring her that I knew what I was doing, that Patricia had said that if I can’t cure my cancer doing all I am doing then no-one can. It was an odd night and we were both shattered.

Thursday I was back in work, 12-4, I had had some work allocated for me to do so it gave me something to concentrate on which I found really useful. When I messaged Lel it became apparent that she wasn’t doing so well. I felt awful that I had made her feel like this and felt very selfish about my decision. I hated the fact that she had been crying at work and walked home on the phone to me so distraught that she could hardly speak at times. And this was my fault. It was my decision that had caused this. I always knew that the meeting with Dr T was going to be a bit like this but as I hadn’t told her my decision fully, then I hadn’t been able to prepare her for it. When she got home we hugged, she cried, I felt guilty but again, tried to reassure her that I am doing so many other things that have been shown individually to reduce / remove tumours that I knew I was going to be ok. I have said since the very start of this that I am going to make 88 years old. At least. And Lel will make 93 years old. That is my aim and I intend to get there. I had a few things that I needed from Tesco that evening and we headed there, I’m not sure how Lel managed to get out of the house and shop but, again, she proved how amazing she is, and did.

Friday I was not at work, and being the last working day before Christmas, Lel was finishing at 12. She seemed better but I think after the previous evening she had decided to try and park it until after Christmas. I messaged mum to let her know that we were not going to talk about the matter whilst we were home for Christmas so could she please tell dad and Em that as well? I wanted Christmas to be as easy as possible for her. Lel got home round 1, we had a quick sandwich then wrapped the rest of the pressies. I had made a Bolognese for her in the morning as I know when she is struggling it is one thing that she will always eat. We had an early dinner then, round 8 had a bath. It was lovely, we listened to the radio 2, Christmas Carol that had been on the previous night and had a good relax.